It has really been over a year...oops :/

I realized today that it has seriously been over a YEAR since I have posted on my blog.  I suppose that is good in some ways, as this has been my outlet for getting through all the loss and hardships in our lives.  However, I feel the NEED to write.

I have had Alivia on my mind nearly every second lately...not that I never think about her, but usually its just a few times a day, now it is all the time....(maybe thats my sign that its time to grow our family?)  I am just really in the dumps, I wish I knew what she was like!  I am sure she would have been an AMAZING, happy child .  I think I am thinking of her so much due to our 3 year anniversary of loosing Rowan has just passed (May 2nd)...I am not sure these times in the year will ever get easier....please tell me they get easier?!??!!

On the plus side, I held a baby girl (2 in fact, twins) for the first time since loosing Alivia...I had not been able to bring myself to do that!  My wonderful friend Summer had her girls the end of 2012 and I held them!  BOTH OF THEM!!!  AT THE SAME TIME!  without hesitation!  and as I was holding them, I realized that it was the first time I had held a girl since.  They are some beautiful little girls.  My friend Vanessa had a gorgeous baby girl just over a month ago, and I did it again.  I am so proud of myself!  That was a HUGE hurdle for me.

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Update: It has really been a great year!  Liam is AMAZING and has shown us just how strong he is.  We nearly lost him to a serious case of RSV, but he came out swinging.  (I will share that story at some point, promise!)  We moved (AGAIN!!) into a house in the country (YAY!!!) and we are LOVING life out here!  We are on 10 acres and have a flock of chickens, ducks, and a couple of Nubian doelings (goats, named Lucille and Lilly) as well as a barn cat (Honey) and 2 basset hounds (Rocky and Chloe).  We are working on fencing for the goats, as well as tilling and fencing our garden space.  I will share about the garden another time...its BIG!  Ayden has grown at least a foot in the last year and never stops talking haha.  Levi is starting to talk more and makes me laugh more each day, great personality!  So, thats what is up with life in general...

Oh and this is the longest that I have NOT been pregnant since Darrel and I were married!!!  YAY!!!  I have really been enjoying it.

Ayden

This morning Ayden was trying to get darrel to hold him and darrel kept acting like he was too heavy. Ayden came to me and said: "tell me to get up daddy" so I replied "go get up daddy" and his reply to me was "I not a squirrel" lol I love that kid, he comes up with some of the best stuff :D

Homeschooling Adventures With Oobleck

Ayden has really been enjoying homeschooling...He asks to do school work even :)

So because of his enthusiasm we decided to do some weekend science.  Today we made and played with Oobleck.  For those of you like me who have never heard of the stuff until now, it is just cornstarch and water.  Oobleck is a Non Newtonian fluid.... basically it is a liquid that behaves like a solid.  Its really fun stuff...plus they can make a huge mess and it just rinses away.  We choose to do this outside because it is beautiful out, but I wouldnt think twice about doing inside, it really is that easy to clean.  (you can always do it in the bathtub if you want to make it easier to clean)  ;)

Here is how you make it:
                 Add 2 cups of Cornstarch into a bowl
                 Add 1 cup of water
                 Then add a few drops of food coloring, as seen below (optional)

Then stir until it gets too hard to stir...or use your hands :) we did both!!!

 It is some really neat stuff.  Here I was showing Ayden how to roll a ball of it.

 Then it runs through your hands when you stop!

 Levi did start to get a bit curious about what we were doing.

 He eventually joined in :)

He wasnt sure he liked the way it felt.

 He started shaking his hand trying to get it off.

 Which turned out to be LOTS of fun because he could literally paint the patio with the stuff.  He kept coming back for more.

 Ayden thought it was cool to let it run off of my hands onto his.

 As we played with it, we talked about what solids and liquids look like, and how they behave.

 We learned that if you push slowly you could get your hands to the bottom of the bowl, but if you go fast it is like hitting a wall.

Because it is so dry here, the fun eventually moved closer to the water spicket.  

 I LOVE this one!!!  Levi was getting really into what was going on.

 Eventually the experimenting reached feet.

If Ayden tried to pull his foot out too fast the whole bowl would come with it.  

He had to hold the bowl down to get his foot out.

Levi thought we needed to stir some more

Pure little boy love!

Messy boys are HAPPY boys!!!!

Ayden toes. 

Ayden eventually learned that he could also lift the bowl with his hands if he pulled up quickly.  He told me it was sucking on him....Which makes sense, it had a suction like quality to it.

Levi toes. 

 Love this little face.

Ayden kept adding water to the bowl and it turned into a cloudy light blue puddle.  He told me that it wasn't sucking anymore.

I pulled out the hose to rinse off the patio, and that turned into another game.

(Notice that Levi has on 1 sock?  A few minutes before he was inside putting on my socks and trying on my cowboy boots <3)

We will defiantly be visiting this again.  The next time we do this we will be learning about sound waves.  Oobleck reacts to sound waves.  It jumps around and moves when you put it over a subwoofer.  I am excited to visit this with them later.

The boys learned a lot today, but I also learned that boys are happiest when they are messy, dirty and outside.  I saw some of the biggest smiles on their face while we were learning together.  These little boys just melt my heart.

Continued Grieving and Looking Forward

November 24th came and went just as quickly as any other day.  The month surrounding proved to be as difficult as the day itself.  Most of that day was spent in the kitchen, occuping my mind with things less painful to think of. 

We spent some time honoring her memory. We enjoyed lovely pink cupcakes and talked about 'baby sista' and how we still love her.  I had a couple good cries and gazed longingly at her lovely hand and footprints several times that day.

In the several days past, my focus has really turned to preparing for our new bundle.  I still think of Alivia daily, but strangly its a tiny bit less stabbing.  If she was here, we would not be waiting to see this little guys face, or dreaming of our 3 muskateers running after each other.  I have to be grateful to her in that sense...the sense that she is not here struggling to live and that she is peaceful now.  For that i am extremely grateful!

We are fast approaching the arrival of this little guy!  We are now 30 weeks along and things are going well.  He feels like a sturdy little guy...I think he is going to b our biggest baby yet!  If he is anything like his brothers we will be meeting him in 6-8 weeks!  We are starting to gear up for our planned homebirth with our AWESOME midwife....birthing kits and supplies are all starting to find their place together.   Baby blankets and clothing are all being prepped for him.  Cloth diapers are being organized for his tiny little bottom!  (he has some dynamite custom newborns from Mo Dia Diapers (modiadiapers.com) that i can not wait to put on his little tushie!!!!)

I still feel like my to do list is a mile long but I am trying to just enjoy every step of the ride <3<3<3

Second guessing...trouble coping....

Having a tough time coping lately...

A week from tomorrow will be one year since we saw our little girl on ultrasound without a flicker of movement and a still heart.  She would be born sleeping the next morning. 

Honestly I am still VERY scared for my health and bitty's health as we continue this pregnancy....I have found myself checking for his heartbeat more and prompting movement from him when he is quiet.  Thankfully he is a super active little guy (a lot like Ayden) because it reassures me that he is ok...

Ive found myself having trouble leaving the house even...i 'want' to get out of the house...but once i get around others i feel sick, and start to feel like im having a panic attack...it makes simple tasks like getting groceries tough.

I spend much of my time remindibg myself to relax and breathe...I often feel like im holding my breath all day...im trying hard to focus on de-stressing and trying not to over think things....

I hope it gets easier..but this month so far really stinks!

Closing In On 1 Year...

November has bearly begun, and already I wish it was over....it would be great if we could skip it all together...

November 24th will be 1 year since we said goodbye to our sweet baby girl.  Its hard because i should have a 5-6 month old now but i dont...instead I am carrying our 5th child and... hoping! praying! that he holds on for me to hear his first cry.  To kiss his little feet.  To feel his warmth against my skin...See his first smile. Watch him sit for the first time...for me to cry over packing away the "baby" clothes that he is too big for...all the things i didnt get to nor will be able to do with/for Alivia. 

I will never get to sit up late staring at her, or rocking her just because.  I will never hear her say "mommy" or feel her pull me in for a hug.  I will never hear her say "I love you".  Never get to braid her hair or paint her nails.  I will never get to hold her hand and skip with her, or giggle with her over something she finds "silly".  Her dad and brothers wont be able to scare the life out of some punk boy she wants to date, or stand up for her even when she is wrong.  I wont get to help her pick out that perfect gown to wear when she marries the man of her dreams.  Darrel will never walk her down the aisle....so many joys that only cone with little girls that we will never have with her....

I know it sounds horrible to think of it that way, but there are not many days that I dont think about how much we as parents, as a family, are missing.  Yes, we have a lot to be grateful/thankful for with our boys...thats very true!  there are just so many things that change or are different with a daughter...I have a hard time not feeling like a HUGE piece of our lives is missing....I dont think I will ever feel whole or complete again...

With that being said...she was sick...we may not have had many of those things even had she lived longer.  We really dont know what her future would have been like.  The doctors think she would have been a pretty sick little girl with a very sick little heart.  When it comes to Alivia...there are 2 things I am grateful for: 

1.  That she was with us long enough for us to know a bit about her...she did NOT like spicy food, or seafood.  She liked her sleep.  She was most active in the evening, and thought mommys bladder was a fun moon bounce!

2.  That she did not suffer.  She did not have to endure who knows how many operations and hospitalizations....transplants or what have you.  I have confidance that she passed peacefully with the love of our family surrounding her.

I love her, I always will.  She is greatly missed!

Naming Baby Is Tough To Do.

So we have known that Bitty is a boy for almost 6 weeks now....And we have started to talk about names.  We have a short list, but nothing has been chosen.

Maybe its just me (maybe it isnt because I have not really opened up to anyone about it) but I feel like he needs to have a PERFECT name....not just the normal kind of perfect when you birth a child, where you want it to fit them, and you just wait for it to jump out at you kind of perfect...I feel like there is a lot more behind this little guy than either of our first 2.  When we had Ayden and Levi we didnt know the loss of a child...for us it was just you get pregnant you have a baby, thats just how it works...and I dont think we ever thought of the MANY families that cant seem to hold onto their little beans....In short, we were naive.  But now that we have lost not 1 but 2 of our babies, I feel so much more in love, so much more blessed that this little guy is still here with us.  I cant help but have this overwhelming feeling that he needs the MOST perfect name, and in a totally different way...I am not really waiting for something to jump out at me as to the name I love.  I am ok with having to 'fall' in love with a name...for me I feel that there needs to be some meaning behind the name to make us choose it, not simply because we like it.  I would love for him to have a name that means strength, hope and moving on....its not easy to come by, you have to almost 'feel' the name, not just read it or hear it...I dont know if that makes much sense....

 Babies that come after a family has experienced loss are often referred to as 'Rainbow Babies'  like the calm after the storm, coming out of the dark and into the light of life and happiness again.  I want this little guy to have a name symbolic of that rainbow, something powerful, bright and strong.  I just hope we can find it....

WOW! I Really Should Update You All!

Geez, sry.  It appears that I have been neglecting my blog lately.

So to get everyone updated.  We went in for a Level II Ultrasound at just over 18 weeks.  This is the one that they measure everything!  It was far more detailed than any of the others I have had with any of my babies, which was fantastic because we got to see more of this little bean than we have ever seen of our other children before birth.  Anyway, bitty measures right on track, and looks completely healthy...Bitty has all fingers, and toes, all the parts of the brain are there, and we have 4 heart chambers pumping away beautifully.  <3 makes my heart skip a beat just thinking about how blessed we are.

We also found out gender.  Bitty is a BOY!!!!!  We are over the moon happy!

Here is my most recent belly picture:

                                                                        21 weeks 2 days




We are now 23 weeks so I really need to get a new one, he has grown a lot in the past 2 weeks!

15 Weeks...

So we hit 15 weeks this week...only 1 week shy of the point where we lost Alivia.

I am trying really hard not to dwell on how close we are to that, but it does make me nervous!  I am so thankful that Darrel was on-board with buying a fetal doppler, because I check for a heartbeat almost daily.  It helps me worry less.  I am starting to feel a lot more movement so that on its own is reassuring as well.

I still struggle with Alivia...idk if I will ever stop struggling with her loss.  If I even think of her I start to cry...thank god for my boys, but my arms still feel empty.  It feels like something is missing in our life, and I know it is her....

Here is the belly:                                                  

12 Week Ultrasound Results

So I know it has been a good while since we had the screening ultrasound, I have been so busy loving the results that I forgot to post them.

The ultrasound:
     Our background risk for a baby with Down syndrome (based just on my age and that we have Levi) was 1 in 145.  The ultrasound itself went well, we loved getting a peek at our Bitty.  The baby had a nasal bone, which is something that tends to be absent in children with Down syndrome.  However the nucal fold measurement was a tad on the high side.  Baby measured a 2.6, they normally start to worry at 2.5, but because of our history, they didnt even want to see it that high.  The ultrasound was followed by blood work.  Our risks of a baby with Down syndrome after the ultrasound was 1 in 32.

The Blood work:
     The blood test they ran is called a PAPP-A (Pregnancy Associated Plasma-Protein)  If your interested in a detailed explanation look HERE.  My screen came back within the 'normal' range.  <3  They then combined the results of the PAPP-A with the ultrasound numbers, what they came back with is our final risks for chromosome abnormalities....For Ds our over all risk came back at 1 in 436...If you noticed this is higher than our background risk.  I talked with the doctor and he said that we are back in the range we would have been in if we did not already have a child with a chromosome abnormality, so we are back in the range for a mother my age with no prior abnormalities.

This was one of the best things I have heard in a long time.  I could have kissed Dr. Wexler through the phone!!!!!  I was in tears I was so happy.  To know that after a VERY long year of sadness we have a really great chance of holding a pink, screaming, healthy baby again was extremely overwhelming!

So I am glad to share the good news with everyone, I know I told you I would share when I was ready, and oddly enough I think I would have posted sooner if the news had been bad....I have been so busy enjoying this pregnancy (when I am not sick lol) and every kick and tumble that I didnt really need (for me) to write about the results.  We are thrilled!!!!

haha...Our due date....

I just realized that I never posted the 'official' due date....February 6th 2012.  My little sis is oober excited because her birthday is Feb 9th....I am sure we will have an end of January baby, just based on the fact that Ayden was 2 weeks early, and Levi was 3.5 weeks early...but watch just my luck this will be the one who comes past the due date haha...we will see...I cant wait to have this baby in my arms and know that he/she is ok. <3

Lost In My Feelings

I have been really depressed, it doesnt help that almost everyone I love and care about are thousands of miles away....I miss being able to touch them!

I seriously feel like I may have a nervous breakdown, I just dont know what to do with myself.  I am not sleeping well, and I am drowning in emotions....I miss my babies, and I keep thinking about how old Alivia would be...she would be 7-8 weeks old now, and she would have started smiling by now....how I wish I could see that pretty face, see that beautiful smile I know she would have had.

I just keep waiting for something to go wrong with this pregnancy...I am still so angry with my body!  I still have this desire to just rip my belly out..I am so ANGRY at it!  I just dont want it near me....idk its a hard feeling to describe that I dont suspect anyone to understand.

There is a part of me that feels like it is WAY too soon to be pregnant...and that hurts...it hurts because I want this little one to hang on as long as he/she can, but I feel like I am saying I dont want him/her when I really do...I am so lost, so confused...so angry, so hurt, so broken, torn, tattered....bleeding.....

I wish I could express myself better, but I have trouble even finding the words to explain it to anyone.....

Baby Heartbeat Flickers

Our ultrasound went great...they are dating us at 6 weeks 1 day...we even got to see the little heart beating! <3<3<3

Ultrasound Tomorrow

So tomorrow morning we have another ultrasound.  We should be able to see the little one or at least the yolk sac and fetal pole this time.  We are really hopeful that everything is great!  I dont really have any feelings that things are wrong like I did with both Rowan and Alivia.  I am really happy to feel so peacefully pregnant.  I am still scared to death, but I am trying to be as un-stressed and relaxed as possible.  Making sure to take extra care of myself.  I dont think I will stop being scared until I hold the new little one.  We are super hopeful and staying positive.  Lots of hoping and praying for a healthy little bean.

I will update tomorrow.

Want To Know What Is New In Colorado???

Much to our surprise there is something very new, and rather exciting going on here...

Baby 5.0 is cooking away....

It was not something we planned for right now, but we are excited...and as excited as we are, we are nervous, and scared.

We had an ultrasound on June 2nd to try and figure out how far along we are...they were able to to tell that we were pregnant, or at least that my body is producing the HCG hormone, but it was too early to see anything else...so I went in for a blood draw the evening of June 3rd to test progesterone and HCG.  Progesterone came back at over 15 which is good and HCG was right on for a 4 to 5 week pregnancy.  Went in again for another blood draw first thing in the morning, June 6th, to make sure the levels were going up, and the results were that the hormone had MORE than doubled within just over 2 days...so that is GREAT!!!

Now we are just waiting to get far enough along to see the little bean on ultrasound....we are scheduled to go back in for a follow up ultrasound on June 16th...by then we should be able to see something.

We are excited, but hesitated to even share the news until we had the next ultrasound.  However, after the blood tests, our midwife thinks that everything looks good and we are just early.  So we thought we would spread the news to those who wanted to read it....We will do a BIG announcement once we have the next ultrasound <3

We survived the flats challenge

so we made it thought the challenge!!!! (challenge rules and details here)...I do apologize for the lack of blog the last couple days of the challenge...we got really busy and I kept forgetting to get on and share....

In the end, if I had to do this everyday  I WOULD!  I think it is super do-able...although I am a stay at home mom I really think that a working mom could do this...It took me all of 15-20 minutes a night to rinse, wash, rinse, rinse, wring and hang my diapers!!!  By morning they were dry and ready for another day of use...I have heard that some families had a hard time getting their diapers to dry due to humidity...we live in a dry area, and although it rained a lot the week we did the challenge, I had no issues with mine drying...they took about 5 hours to dry.   I did here a lot of interesting drying techniques from families that were having trouble, drying them in front of a fan, blow dryer ???  Not sure how I feel about that one, or another mom who attached them to the ceiling fan....I must admit there were lots of die hard semi-crunchy moms who took part in the challenge and I love how they really committed...

When I see the final reports come out, I will share.

Day 5

Today was day 5 of the Flats and Handwashing Challenge (details here)

Not a ton to write about today...I have been on my own all day, hubby had to work late...he is still working...

Nothing to spectacular today.  Just a normal day...I got diapers washed while the boys were up and they really liked helping...because we washed mid afternoon it was a pretty small load.  7 flats 1 Pul cover.

I am pretty tired, I cleaned almost the whole house today, need to mop floors, clean boys bathroom and finish laundry.   I have a lot of crocheting to work on...several custom orders-which I LOVE!!!  So I am going to go get busy!   Hope everyone had a great day.

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Todays Random Cuteness:

Found Levi playing in the baskets of clean clothes lol...

He was trying to put his big brother's underwear on his head lol

Ayden was literally working on the railroad today....he got all talented and decided to 'hammer' the pieces together :)