Struggling.

I hate to admit it, but things had gotten a little easier.  I think the big move out to Colorado and being away from the place where I carried her helped me heal some.  The pain and longing for her has not really changed, but I was learning how to get through the day.

Things have changed though.  When I found out I was pregnant with Alivia there were LOTS of mom friends of mine who were also expecting.   I thought it was amazing to be pregnant with such a great group of moms!   Then we lost her.  It made is SO hard to see or hear about the other moms pregnancies...To see their bellies, or hear them talk about the nurseries...one mom in particular has a due date 2 weeks sooner than Alivia, and she found out she was having a girl....I cried, I sobbed....I found it almost drowning to be near her....nothing against her, but my heart just couldn't take it.  We are now just about 4 weeks from Alivia's due date...and my mom friends are all starting to enjoy their baby moon!  While I am through the roof happy for them and their growing families,  my heart stings......

I really don't know how to deal with this...how do I get through all of this....May 2nd will be a year since we lost Rowan, and the 18th is Alivia's due date...

I have cried every day this week.  I feel totally swallowed by feelings of hurt, disappointment, loss, longing, and anger.....I hate feeling this way, sometimes I just wish I would fall asleep and stay asleep forever.  It is so much harder than I thought it would be...I thought it would be hardest when we first lost her, but this is proving MUCH more difficult for me....it isn't helpful that I am MILES away from my family and support system.  The weather here is beautiful, and the boys and I love being outside, but the isolation isn't good..........

I just don't know what to do....so I cook, I bake....I clean...and I cry...I cry often....I am hoping this phase will pass and that I will again learn to get through the days....this isn't fair to me or to the boys.....I have got to get myself together... grief is not a good color, I wish I knew how to move on.  Seems like my whole life keeps hinging on that one day :(