haha...Our due date....

I just realized that I never posted the 'official' due date....February 6th 2012.  My little sis is oober excited because her birthday is Feb 9th....I am sure we will have an end of January baby, just based on the fact that Ayden was 2 weeks early, and Levi was 3.5 weeks early...but watch just my luck this will be the one who comes past the due date haha...we will see...I cant wait to have this baby in my arms and know that he/she is ok. <3

Lost In My Feelings

I have been really depressed, it doesnt help that almost everyone I love and care about are thousands of miles away....I miss being able to touch them!

I seriously feel like I may have a nervous breakdown, I just dont know what to do with myself.  I am not sleeping well, and I am drowning in emotions....I miss my babies, and I keep thinking about how old Alivia would be...she would be 7-8 weeks old now, and she would have started smiling by now....how I wish I could see that pretty face, see that beautiful smile I know she would have had.

I just keep waiting for something to go wrong with this pregnancy...I am still so angry with my body!  I still have this desire to just rip my belly out..I am so ANGRY at it!  I just dont want it near me....idk its a hard feeling to describe that I dont suspect anyone to understand.

There is a part of me that feels like it is WAY too soon to be pregnant...and that hurts...it hurts because I want this little one to hang on as long as he/she can, but I feel like I am saying I dont want him/her when I really do...I am so lost, so confused...so angry, so hurt, so broken, torn, tattered....bleeding.....

I wish I could express myself better, but I have trouble even finding the words to explain it to anyone.....