Continued Grieving and Looking Forward

November 24th came and went just as quickly as any other day.  The month surrounding proved to be as difficult as the day itself.  Most of that day was spent in the kitchen, occuping my mind with things less painful to think of. 

We spent some time honoring her memory. We enjoyed lovely pink cupcakes and talked about 'baby sista' and how we still love her.  I had a couple good cries and gazed longingly at her lovely hand and footprints several times that day.

In the several days past, my focus has really turned to preparing for our new bundle.  I still think of Alivia daily, but strangly its a tiny bit less stabbing.  If she was here, we would not be waiting to see this little guys face, or dreaming of our 3 muskateers running after each other.  I have to be grateful to her in that sense...the sense that she is not here struggling to live and that she is peaceful now.  For that i am extremely grateful!

We are fast approaching the arrival of this little guy!  We are now 30 weeks along and things are going well.  He feels like a sturdy little guy...I think he is going to b our biggest baby yet!  If he is anything like his brothers we will be meeting him in 6-8 weeks!  We are starting to gear up for our planned homebirth with our AWESOME midwife....birthing kits and supplies are all starting to find their place together.   Baby blankets and clothing are all being prepped for him.  Cloth diapers are being organized for his tiny little bottom!  (he has some dynamite custom newborns from Mo Dia Diapers (modiadiapers.com) that i can not wait to put on his little tushie!!!!)

I still feel like my to do list is a mile long but I am trying to just enjoy every step of the ride <3<3<3

Second guessing...trouble coping....

Having a tough time coping lately...

A week from tomorrow will be one year since we saw our little girl on ultrasound without a flicker of movement and a still heart.  She would be born sleeping the next morning. 

Honestly I am still VERY scared for my health and bitty's health as we continue this pregnancy....I have found myself checking for his heartbeat more and prompting movement from him when he is quiet.  Thankfully he is a super active little guy (a lot like Ayden) because it reassures me that he is ok...

Ive found myself having trouble leaving the house even...i 'want' to get out of the house...but once i get around others i feel sick, and start to feel like im having a panic attack...it makes simple tasks like getting groceries tough.

I spend much of my time remindibg myself to relax and breathe...I often feel like im holding my breath all day...im trying hard to focus on de-stressing and trying not to over think things....

I hope it gets easier..but this month so far really stinks!

Closing In On 1 Year...

November has bearly begun, and already I wish it was over....it would be great if we could skip it all together...

November 24th will be 1 year since we said goodbye to our sweet baby girl.  Its hard because i should have a 5-6 month old now but i dont...instead I am carrying our 5th child and... hoping! praying! that he holds on for me to hear his first cry.  To kiss his little feet.  To feel his warmth against my skin...See his first smile. Watch him sit for the first time...for me to cry over packing away the "baby" clothes that he is too big for...all the things i didnt get to nor will be able to do with/for Alivia. 

I will never get to sit up late staring at her, or rocking her just because.  I will never hear her say "mommy" or feel her pull me in for a hug.  I will never hear her say "I love you".  Never get to braid her hair or paint her nails.  I will never get to hold her hand and skip with her, or giggle with her over something she finds "silly".  Her dad and brothers wont be able to scare the life out of some punk boy she wants to date, or stand up for her even when she is wrong.  I wont get to help her pick out that perfect gown to wear when she marries the man of her dreams.  Darrel will never walk her down the aisle....so many joys that only cone with little girls that we will never have with her....

I know it sounds horrible to think of it that way, but there are not many days that I dont think about how much we as parents, as a family, are missing.  Yes, we have a lot to be grateful/thankful for with our boys...thats very true!  there are just so many things that change or are different with a daughter...I have a hard time not feeling like a HUGE piece of our lives is missing....I dont think I will ever feel whole or complete again...

With that being said...she was sick...we may not have had many of those things even had she lived longer.  We really dont know what her future would have been like.  The doctors think she would have been a pretty sick little girl with a very sick little heart.  When it comes to Alivia...there are 2 things I am grateful for: 

1.  That she was with us long enough for us to know a bit about her...she did NOT like spicy food, or seafood.  She liked her sleep.  She was most active in the evening, and thought mommys bladder was a fun moon bounce!

2.  That she did not suffer.  She did not have to endure who knows how many operations and hospitalizations....transplants or what have you.  I have confidance that she passed peacefully with the love of our family surrounding her.

I love her, I always will.  She is greatly missed!

Naming Baby Is Tough To Do.

So we have known that Bitty is a boy for almost 6 weeks now....And we have started to talk about names.  We have a short list, but nothing has been chosen.

Maybe its just me (maybe it isnt because I have not really opened up to anyone about it) but I feel like he needs to have a PERFECT name....not just the normal kind of perfect when you birth a child, where you want it to fit them, and you just wait for it to jump out at you kind of perfect...I feel like there is a lot more behind this little guy than either of our first 2.  When we had Ayden and Levi we didnt know the loss of a child...for us it was just you get pregnant you have a baby, thats just how it works...and I dont think we ever thought of the MANY families that cant seem to hold onto their little beans....In short, we were naive.  But now that we have lost not 1 but 2 of our babies, I feel so much more in love, so much more blessed that this little guy is still here with us.  I cant help but have this overwhelming feeling that he needs the MOST perfect name, and in a totally different way...I am not really waiting for something to jump out at me as to the name I love.  I am ok with having to 'fall' in love with a name...for me I feel that there needs to be some meaning behind the name to make us choose it, not simply because we like it.  I would love for him to have a name that means strength, hope and moving on....its not easy to come by, you have to almost 'feel' the name, not just read it or hear it...I dont know if that makes much sense....

 Babies that come after a family has experienced loss are often referred to as 'Rainbow Babies'  like the calm after the storm, coming out of the dark and into the light of life and happiness again.  I want this little guy to have a name symbolic of that rainbow, something powerful, bright and strong.  I just hope we can find it....

WOW! I Really Should Update You All!

Geez, sry.  It appears that I have been neglecting my blog lately.

So to get everyone updated.  We went in for a Level II Ultrasound at just over 18 weeks.  This is the one that they measure everything!  It was far more detailed than any of the others I have had with any of my babies, which was fantastic because we got to see more of this little bean than we have ever seen of our other children before birth.  Anyway, bitty measures right on track, and looks completely healthy...Bitty has all fingers, and toes, all the parts of the brain are there, and we have 4 heart chambers pumping away beautifully.  <3 makes my heart skip a beat just thinking about how blessed we are.

We also found out gender.  Bitty is a BOY!!!!!  We are over the moon happy!

Here is my most recent belly picture:

                                                                        21 weeks 2 days




We are now 23 weeks so I really need to get a new one, he has grown a lot in the past 2 weeks!

15 Weeks...

So we hit 15 weeks this week...only 1 week shy of the point where we lost Alivia.

I am trying really hard not to dwell on how close we are to that, but it does make me nervous!  I am so thankful that Darrel was on-board with buying a fetal doppler, because I check for a heartbeat almost daily.  It helps me worry less.  I am starting to feel a lot more movement so that on its own is reassuring as well.

I still struggle with Alivia...idk if I will ever stop struggling with her loss.  If I even think of her I start to cry...thank god for my boys, but my arms still feel empty.  It feels like something is missing in our life, and I know it is her....

Here is the belly:                                                  

12 Week Ultrasound Results

So I know it has been a good while since we had the screening ultrasound, I have been so busy loving the results that I forgot to post them.

The ultrasound:
     Our background risk for a baby with Down syndrome (based just on my age and that we have Levi) was 1 in 145.  The ultrasound itself went well, we loved getting a peek at our Bitty.  The baby had a nasal bone, which is something that tends to be absent in children with Down syndrome.  However the nucal fold measurement was a tad on the high side.  Baby measured a 2.6, they normally start to worry at 2.5, but because of our history, they didnt even want to see it that high.  The ultrasound was followed by blood work.  Our risks of a baby with Down syndrome after the ultrasound was 1 in 32.

The Blood work:
     The blood test they ran is called a PAPP-A (Pregnancy Associated Plasma-Protein)  If your interested in a detailed explanation look HERE.  My screen came back within the 'normal' range.  <3  They then combined the results of the PAPP-A with the ultrasound numbers, what they came back with is our final risks for chromosome abnormalities....For Ds our over all risk came back at 1 in 436...If you noticed this is higher than our background risk.  I talked with the doctor and he said that we are back in the range we would have been in if we did not already have a child with a chromosome abnormality, so we are back in the range for a mother my age with no prior abnormalities.

This was one of the best things I have heard in a long time.  I could have kissed Dr. Wexler through the phone!!!!!  I was in tears I was so happy.  To know that after a VERY long year of sadness we have a really great chance of holding a pink, screaming, healthy baby again was extremely overwhelming!

So I am glad to share the good news with everyone, I know I told you I would share when I was ready, and oddly enough I think I would have posted sooner if the news had been bad....I have been so busy enjoying this pregnancy (when I am not sick lol) and every kick and tumble that I didnt really need (for me) to write about the results.  We are thrilled!!!!

haha...Our due date....

I just realized that I never posted the 'official' due date....February 6th 2012.  My little sis is oober excited because her birthday is Feb 9th....I am sure we will have an end of January baby, just based on the fact that Ayden was 2 weeks early, and Levi was 3.5 weeks early...but watch just my luck this will be the one who comes past the due date haha...we will see...I cant wait to have this baby in my arms and know that he/she is ok. <3

Lost In My Feelings

I have been really depressed, it doesnt help that almost everyone I love and care about are thousands of miles away....I miss being able to touch them!

I seriously feel like I may have a nervous breakdown, I just dont know what to do with myself.  I am not sleeping well, and I am drowning in emotions....I miss my babies, and I keep thinking about how old Alivia would be...she would be 7-8 weeks old now, and she would have started smiling by now....how I wish I could see that pretty face, see that beautiful smile I know she would have had.

I just keep waiting for something to go wrong with this pregnancy...I am still so angry with my body!  I still have this desire to just rip my belly out..I am so ANGRY at it!  I just dont want it near me....idk its a hard feeling to describe that I dont suspect anyone to understand.

There is a part of me that feels like it is WAY too soon to be pregnant...and that hurts...it hurts because I want this little one to hang on as long as he/she can, but I feel like I am saying I dont want him/her when I really do...I am so lost, so confused...so angry, so hurt, so broken, torn, tattered....bleeding.....

I wish I could express myself better, but I have trouble even finding the words to explain it to anyone.....

Baby Heartbeat Flickers

Our ultrasound went great...they are dating us at 6 weeks 1 day...we even got to see the little heart beating! <3<3<3

Ultrasound Tomorrow

So tomorrow morning we have another ultrasound.  We should be able to see the little one or at least the yolk sac and fetal pole this time.  We are really hopeful that everything is great!  I dont really have any feelings that things are wrong like I did with both Rowan and Alivia.  I am really happy to feel so peacefully pregnant.  I am still scared to death, but I am trying to be as un-stressed and relaxed as possible.  Making sure to take extra care of myself.  I dont think I will stop being scared until I hold the new little one.  We are super hopeful and staying positive.  Lots of hoping and praying for a healthy little bean.

I will update tomorrow.

Want To Know What Is New In Colorado???

Much to our surprise there is something very new, and rather exciting going on here...

Baby 5.0 is cooking away....

It was not something we planned for right now, but we are excited...and as excited as we are, we are nervous, and scared.

We had an ultrasound on June 2nd to try and figure out how far along we are...they were able to to tell that we were pregnant, or at least that my body is producing the HCG hormone, but it was too early to see anything else...so I went in for a blood draw the evening of June 3rd to test progesterone and HCG.  Progesterone came back at over 15 which is good and HCG was right on for a 4 to 5 week pregnancy.  Went in again for another blood draw first thing in the morning, June 6th, to make sure the levels were going up, and the results were that the hormone had MORE than doubled within just over 2 days...so that is GREAT!!!

Now we are just waiting to get far enough along to see the little bean on ultrasound....we are scheduled to go back in for a follow up ultrasound on June 16th...by then we should be able to see something.

We are excited, but hesitated to even share the news until we had the next ultrasound.  However, after the blood tests, our midwife thinks that everything looks good and we are just early.  So we thought we would spread the news to those who wanted to read it....We will do a BIG announcement once we have the next ultrasound <3

We survived the flats challenge

so we made it thought the challenge!!!! (challenge rules and details here)...I do apologize for the lack of blog the last couple days of the challenge...we got really busy and I kept forgetting to get on and share....

In the end, if I had to do this everyday  I WOULD!  I think it is super do-able...although I am a stay at home mom I really think that a working mom could do this...It took me all of 15-20 minutes a night to rinse, wash, rinse, rinse, wring and hang my diapers!!!  By morning they were dry and ready for another day of use...I have heard that some families had a hard time getting their diapers to dry due to humidity...we live in a dry area, and although it rained a lot the week we did the challenge, I had no issues with mine drying...they took about 5 hours to dry.   I did here a lot of interesting drying techniques from families that were having trouble, drying them in front of a fan, blow dryer ???  Not sure how I feel about that one, or another mom who attached them to the ceiling fan....I must admit there were lots of die hard semi-crunchy moms who took part in the challenge and I love how they really committed...

When I see the final reports come out, I will share.

Day 5

Today was day 5 of the Flats and Handwashing Challenge (details here)

Not a ton to write about today...I have been on my own all day, hubby had to work late...he is still working...

Nothing to spectacular today.  Just a normal day...I got diapers washed while the boys were up and they really liked helping...because we washed mid afternoon it was a pretty small load.  7 flats 1 Pul cover.

I am pretty tired, I cleaned almost the whole house today, need to mop floors, clean boys bathroom and finish laundry.   I have a lot of crocheting to work on...several custom orders-which I LOVE!!!  So I am going to go get busy!   Hope everyone had a great day.

*****

Todays Random Cuteness:

Found Levi playing in the baskets of clean clothes lol...

He was trying to put his big brother's underwear on his head lol

Ayden was literally working on the railroad today....he got all talented and decided to 'hammer' the pieces together :)

Day 4

It was day 4 of the Flats and Handwashing Challenge (details here)

We had an interesting day.  We were out late last night and the boys didnt get to bed until 2 hours past normal bedtime, so I knew today would be fun. ;)  As always they were both up by 6am.  Shockingly they both took 2 naps today, one from around 10am-12 and another around 3-5:30pm...I was stunned that they took two naps, but even more stunned at how easy it was to get them to lay down.  Both times, they started to get a bit wild and I told them that they needed to lay in bed and calm down for 20 minutes, and they were both out within 10-15 minutes each time....

So while the extra napping was all fine and dandy, I had a lot more pee to clean up today than usual.  EVERY nap Levi peed out of his flat and woolie....oh, and of course he was sleeping in the playpen when it happened...anyone have tips for cleaning that thing :( ?????????


Because I am not sure if it was the diaper, or the wool, or the fact that he is a boy and was sleeping on his tummy;  I re-lanolized the 2 woolies that leaked.  I am hoping that they are dry by morning so I dont have to rely on my PUL cover although the pad fold works well in that when he decides he doesnt want to sit still for a change.

Since my PUL cover was in the wash pile along with the wool tonight, I pad folded 2 flats and inserted them into a pocket diaper.  Since we only have 4 of the limited 5 covers in a rotation this didnt break the rules, this will act as our 5th cover.

Todays wash contained 7 flats, 1 wool longie, 1 wool shortie and 1 Thirsties Duo Cover.  No dancing tonight :(  I just used the Camp Style Washer.

*******

Today's Random Cuteness

Levi said 'I love you' for the first time today.  (of course it sounded a bit different, but we totally understood what he meant)  Not only did he say it once, he said it 3 times!!!!  Twice for me and once for my husband when he got home.  Oh man I tell you what, that melted my heart!  I cryed for a while after....It makes me so proud that he is communicating and expressing himself!   OH, and he also stood for 5 seconds unassisted this evening.  He only fell because he tried to take a step <3

Ayden was pretty cuddly today which I always enjoy and soak up as much as I can.  Other than the snuggling he had a great day of ball pit play.  Most of the day he was in that pit, I forgot to pull out my camera so no pictures of him playing in it today, but I did manage to nab a couple of him putting the balls away for the night <3

Here is in flight to see dad who walked in the door from work as I snapped the picture! lol

There is his handsome smile :) 

Packing them away for the night, Levi behind in his walker...He is starting to figure it out. 

 I hope everyone else had a great day today and far less leaking than I.    <3

Dancing My Way To Clean Diapers On Day 3

Today was day 3 of the Flats and Handwashing Challenge.   We had an AWESOME day-find out why in Today's Random Cuteness at the end of this blog :)

So today I decided that I wanted to wash my 9 flats and 1 receiving blanket different than the past 2 days.  Considering the incredible amount of upper body strength {yeah right :) } I am gaining churning diaper butter I thought it would be nice to equal it out with lower body strength lol...so taking that into consideration along with my strange desire to dance tonight, I decided to dance my diapers clean.  Who said that washing the diapers cant be a party, right?  I have to entertain myself some how (haha)  I tossed the diapers in the bottom of the tub, ran some hot water and danced over each diaper.  Drained the tub and did it again to wash and then with 2 final rinses.  I really felt like I was blessing my diapers,  they got to watch me dance and get super clean in the process.  I know it probably sounds silly, but somedays I have to just sit back and laugh at myself....it really is a good thing I swear :D  Diapers are hanging happily on the rack drying now.

******

Todays Randome Cuteness:  Lets start todays cuteness off with a video....

That is right, you saw it!  Our precious little Levi took his first push walker assisted steps today.  This is a HUGE deal for us!  At just over 20 months he is figuring out that there is more to getting around than scooting on your butt <3  Oh it makes me want to cry.  I am so extremely proud of him, we have all fought to get him to this point, but he has fought the hardest....Those are the first steps toward his wonderful future!  I know he is going to touch so many hearts, more than he already has!

So after this eventful morning we realized that he was really ready for a walker, you know, the kind where he can strengthen his legs in confidence that he wont fall flat on his face.  So after spending some time looking on craigslist, we couldnt really find any used ones near us.  So we went and got him a new one, which his big brother is in love with.  Yes, Levi has a Lightning McQueen walker and Ayden wishes it was his lol...I am sorry but that just cracks me up!

I hope you all had a great day, here is to another ROCKIN' day tomorrow <3

Good-night

Flats And Handwashing Challenge Day 2

The morning of day 2 started off with a VERY happy mommy!  There was a dry bed to be found :)  in fact levi could have pee'd quite a bit more and the triple layer origami fold flat would have been fine.  I was super thrilled to find out that there was a less expensive solution to night time cloth.  We have been using Bamboozle Fitted Diapers at night with a ton of success  but at $20.00 a pop it can get really costly.  We currently have 2 and I had to make sure I had at least one clean every night because he pees out of everything else we own at night.  I am super excited to know that we now have an alternative when I get lazy and skip diaper laundry for a couple days. 

We decided to try a couple new folds today, here is the diaper bag fold....(tutorial here)

It just doesnt work for me.  I ran into the same issue as I do with pre-folds.  Not quite enough material to reach around his belly, and it looks pinch-y to me. 

Woolie with Diaper Bag Fold 

We also tried the kite fold again today, but still have trouble getting it to fit right.

************

So the wash for the day consisted of 7 flats and 2 receiving blankets.  I washed in 2 separate loads because there were 2 poopy diapers among them and I wanted to make sure everything was spic-n-span :)

I have had a couple people ask how I managed to get 3 flats onto Levi at one time so I took some pictures as I folded his night time diaper today.  Here is how I got it to work for us....

 Lay 3 flats out stacked on top of each other....

Fold in half 

Then again... 

At the corner where all of the edges meet grab the top 3 layers and pull towards the opposite side.

once you pull it straight across it should look like a triangle on top... 

Now flip the entire thing over and start to fold in the edge that is still square... 

Keep folding until it is centered on the triangle... 

As you can see it is a pretty thick diaper, but almost all of the absorbency is located right where it is needed 

Here he is all diapered for the night in a Thirsties Duo Wrap Size 2 (our wool needed to air out tonight) 

I am ready for the coconut rub down mom....

*****

WARNING:  Today's Random Cuteness to follow!!!

Ayden needed to have a picture too (this was when I was taking pictures of Levis Diaper Bag folded flat)

Levi loves his brother!!!

CHEEEEEZZZZEEEE!!!!

I hope everyone else had an awesome second day! <3

 

Day 1 draws to a close...

So day one has officially ended for us.  The boys are in bed, and our flats are washed and hanging to dry.  Our total # of diapers used today was 10. Levi rocked 2 at nap and is rocking 3 in bed for the night now.  

I would say the first day was a success.  We only had 1 leak and I am pretty sure it was a malfunction of the cover that caused it.  

Here he is in a single layer flat, oragami fold:

Look mom I can do the splits:

awe he is just so cute! <3 

'Yup its comfy mom' 

We had to get some big brother shots too, he sat down and told me that he was going to 'cheeeeeesssseee tooo" lol

upside down shot :) 

So far I really like the origami fold.  I havent gotten the other folds to fit him nearly as well.  So I think we are going to stick with this one.

Here he is rocking a triple flat origami fold....I just layed all 3 out flat completly unfolded and did my fold with all 3 peices, the fit was great and not any bulkier than our bamboozles that we usually use for night time...infact I actually think it fits trimmer....now, we will see if his bed stays dry. 

This silly boy always has his piggies in the air <3

 All woolied up for night time!

LOVE chunky diaper bottoms

(silly lil nut is after the coconut oil)

From behind....oooo I could just bite him ;)

Here is what our days worth of diapers amounted to:

6 flats and 1 receiving blanket

I am sure we have less diaper laundry than some will especially since we only have 1 PUL cover in our rotation, and it will be the last one I ever pick up...it is the backup in case all our wool is wet-another thing I love about wool-dont have to wash it everytime we use it!

I have mixed feelings about the close of day one, oddly I am mostly sad....wish there were more hours in the day.  Today was great!  1 day down 6 to go.

Your Mountains Are So Far From Mine.

I was just thinking of how much I miss all my family and friends.  I really took for granted just how close an hour away was...

My bestie moved to Tennessee in December 2010, and then we moved out here to Colorado in March 2011....I often think of how strange it is that we both moved to mountains, but that they are on opposite ends of the country...When we were younger we were pretty much inseparable, but as we grew older we spent less and less time together, and less and less time chatting as we grew into our new roles as wives and mothers. We had in some ways lost touch until moving so far apart as life had taken us both down similar but different paths, and we saw each other face to face around ever 4-6 months.  We now talk (all be it primarily online) nearly every day.  It feels great to have her back in my life more.  I have missed her.  I just wish I could hug her from way over her lol.

The Challenge Begins! Day 1!

So today is the day.  Today we start the Flats and Handwashing Challenge...Just so happens that the hubby got to kick it off with the first diaper change of the day.  :)  He did a pretty good job too.

Last Friday I started prepping my flats, I couldn't bring myself to put them into the washing machine due to the nature of the challenge so I boiled them in 2 batches of 6 on the stove with a small squirt of dawn.



Then I used rinsed them until there were no more sudsy bubbles.




I gave the my Camp Style Washer a go with a couple dirty flats from trying different fits and folds, as well as to wash a pair of undies from my older son.

Here is our Camp Style Washer all ready to go...

Filling with water for our initial rinse:

Close the lid:

And start washing...Think churning butter :)

After draining the rinse water:

 Filling with HOT water for the wash cycle:

I added 1 tsp of Rockin Green Diaper Detergent:

Here is what our water looked like...pretty murky, these were pretty clean diapers tho, only a little pee :) 

 The water after the final rinse-no sudsy bubbles, and clear water:

 Then we wrung them out well and hung to dry on our drying rack:

Ayden decided to help and also though he should 'dry' his snuggle blanket <3

 3 Clean diapers (receiving blankets) and 1 pair of clean Lighting McQueen undies lol

They came out nice and clean, no issues.  It was not at all hard either, the whole process took me around 10-15 minutes to complete




Saturday and Sunday we separated our stash and parted with our 'luxury diapers'

The new stash on the left and luxury dipes/pail liners/boosters ect on the right.

Our stash for this week consists of the following:

12 Swaddlebee's flats
10 Old receiving blankets as emergency back up or doublers for outings/bed time
3 Wool Covers (1 Longie, 1 Shortie, and 1 wrap)
1 PUL cover (Thirsties Duo Wrap Size 2)
Cloth wipes
Wipe spray-we make our own with some water, a squirt of baby soap and a couple drops of essential oil
Coconut oil-for sore/red bottom

So far we are doing well...We have 3 dirty flats in the bucket.  Levi has on a doubled flat since it is nap time, and Ayden has had no accidents lol.

I promise to have pictures of Levi in the flats tonight or tommorrow...lol...he NEVER sits still long when its changing time, but I WILL get at least 1.

There are lots of families that are taking this challenge, and lots of them are bloggers, I look forward to reading everyone's experience.