Hard.

I am consumed by the need to hold her.  To sit and rock her.  And I do.  I know it sounds strange, but I sit and hold her. I sit and rock her.  I even hold the bag of her ashes so that I can feel her...I dont know if I am going crazy or if it is all a normal part of grieving, but I feel like I still have so much love and nurturing to give her....I dont know...its something thats hard, I really dont understand what I am feeling....I wish I knew.

I am finding it hard to sit still these days.  If I sit still I just think of her....I am totally consumed by the mystery of her, the love of her and the loss of her.  I cant even play with the boys without seeing them do something that reminds me of what I will never see her do!  It is hard, SO hard....That is the only word I can think of to describe what I feel.  Sure I am miserable, shattered, hurt...you name it....but the one thing that sums it all up is, hard.

Thinking....Writing....Dreaming....

Alivia Marie

Adored by your family
Loved from the beginning
In my heart you shall remain
Valued, treasured, wanted, loved
I miss you baby girl
Always will I love you

My dearest little girl, our princess....
Admitting your gone is still too hard to do...
Reliving every kick in my mind, each and every day....
In love with you from the start
Every ounce of me wants to hold you still....no one can take my  
   thoughts of you away...that helps keep me sane...



I heard this song the weekend after the loss, I sobbed...I still sob when I listen to it...in some ways it has helped me get through....