Hard.

I am consumed by the need to hold her.  To sit and rock her.  And I do.  I know it sounds strange, but I sit and hold her. I sit and rock her.  I even hold the bag of her ashes so that I can feel her...I dont know if I am going crazy or if it is all a normal part of grieving, but I feel like I still have so much love and nurturing to give her....I dont know...its something thats hard, I really dont understand what I am feeling....I wish I knew.

I am finding it hard to sit still these days.  If I sit still I just think of her....I am totally consumed by the mystery of her, the love of her and the loss of her.  I cant even play with the boys without seeing them do something that reminds me of what I will never see her do!  It is hard, SO hard....That is the only word I can think of to describe what I feel.  Sure I am miserable, shattered, hurt...you name it....but the one thing that sums it all up is, hard.