Second guessing...trouble coping....

Having a tough time coping lately...

A week from tomorrow will be one year since we saw our little girl on ultrasound without a flicker of movement and a still heart.  She would be born sleeping the next morning. 

Honestly I am still VERY scared for my health and bitty's health as we continue this pregnancy....I have found myself checking for his heartbeat more and prompting movement from him when he is quiet.  Thankfully he is a super active little guy (a lot like Ayden) because it reassures me that he is ok...

Ive found myself having trouble leaving the house even...i 'want' to get out of the house...but once i get around others i feel sick, and start to feel like im having a panic attack...it makes simple tasks like getting groceries tough.

I spend much of my time remindibg myself to relax and breathe...I often feel like im holding my breath all day...im trying hard to focus on de-stressing and trying not to over think things....

I hope it gets easier..but this month so far really stinks!

Closing In On 1 Year...

November has bearly begun, and already I wish it was over....it would be great if we could skip it all together...

November 24th will be 1 year since we said goodbye to our sweet baby girl.  Its hard because i should have a 5-6 month old now but i dont...instead I am carrying our 5th child and... hoping! praying! that he holds on for me to hear his first cry.  To kiss his little feet.  To feel his warmth against my skin...See his first smile. Watch him sit for the first time...for me to cry over packing away the "baby" clothes that he is too big for...all the things i didnt get to nor will be able to do with/for Alivia. 

I will never get to sit up late staring at her, or rocking her just because.  I will never hear her say "mommy" or feel her pull me in for a hug.  I will never hear her say "I love you".  Never get to braid her hair or paint her nails.  I will never get to hold her hand and skip with her, or giggle with her over something she finds "silly".  Her dad and brothers wont be able to scare the life out of some punk boy she wants to date, or stand up for her even when she is wrong.  I wont get to help her pick out that perfect gown to wear when she marries the man of her dreams.  Darrel will never walk her down the aisle....so many joys that only cone with little girls that we will never have with her....

I know it sounds horrible to think of it that way, but there are not many days that I dont think about how much we as parents, as a family, are missing.  Yes, we have a lot to be grateful/thankful for with our boys...thats very true!  there are just so many things that change or are different with a daughter...I have a hard time not feeling like a HUGE piece of our lives is missing....I dont think I will ever feel whole or complete again...

With that being said...she was sick...we may not have had many of those things even had she lived longer.  We really dont know what her future would have been like.  The doctors think she would have been a pretty sick little girl with a very sick little heart.  When it comes to Alivia...there are 2 things I am grateful for: 

1.  That she was with us long enough for us to know a bit about her...she did NOT like spicy food, or seafood.  She liked her sleep.  She was most active in the evening, and thought mommys bladder was a fun moon bounce!

2.  That she did not suffer.  She did not have to endure who knows how many operations and hospitalizations....transplants or what have you.  I have confidance that she passed peacefully with the love of our family surrounding her.

I love her, I always will.  She is greatly missed!