And The Results Are In...

After 5 weeks of waiting, 3 of those weeks were spent on the phone every couple days trying to find out who was going to be sent our results when they were done, I finally tracked them down...only to be told that they could not give them to me, even if I were to come in person to get them.  (I was also told "yes, we have them, they have been here for awhile"....SERIOUSLY??? you have had them just sitting there while I have been out here waiting every day for a phone call??)  Then, I was told that 'they can only be released to the physician who ordered them.'  I explained to the lady that I had no idea who had ordered them because we were admitted through the ER and I did not see my physician while we were there.  I told her I only knew the name of the surgeon but didn't even know if he was the one who ordered them or not....I told her that my maternity care was provided by The Greenhouse Birth Center and I asked if they would release the results to them...she really didn't want to do that either.  I then asked her point blank if she wanted to make an already hard experience even harder for me by not letting me have closure...and that I really didn't see why they could not be released to the ones who were providing my maternity care....After a bit she decided that it would be fine, and that she would release them....UGH-Talk about frustrating!

So I got a call yesterday morning from the Greenhouse, Mitzi had results in hand..........

Baby was a, GIRL..... :( ...But there were no detected chromosome issues....Which leads me to believe that our little girl probably had the major heart problems that they feared....

We have named our little princess Alivia Marie (Marie after my mother)  We love her dearly.  Although knowing has made it harder in some respects, I know that I now have the information that I needed to be able to really start grieving....I know it is still going to be a long road, and I am ok with that...I never want to forget...I just would like to be more at peace with it...

I think of Rowan and Alivia every day-I don't know if that will ever change, I hope it doesn't....I hope that I have thoughts of them everyday for as long as I live....They will always remain in my heart....

Sleepless nights.

Last night was yet another hard night....sleep eluded me until about 3am...when I finally took some melatonin...

My emotions are still VERY raw....My heart aches, for that matter my whole body aches...

I still have this longing to hold our child, I still feel lost, alone, angry, confused....You name an emotion-I am feeling it.  We are still waiting for the genetic testing to come back-we were told 2 weeks, it will be 5 tomorrow...talk about frustrating!  I am having a really hard time even wrapping my head around the whole thing...I feel like I cant even start to move on, or find any closure until I have some answers...first and foremost I NEED to know if the baby was a boy or girl so we can stop saying ''the baby'' and start using his/her name...to be totally honest if that is all the gave me I would be ok with that...sure it would be nice to have the confirmation on it being a chromosome issue or not, but I really think I would be ok if they didn't tell me one way or the other...

In my heart I really believe the issue was a Trisomy 13...For some reason that is the number that has stood out even while I was pregnant...I even dreamed of the number....I have never been one to believe that dreams could tell me anything, but after this last pregnancy and the dreams of 13, I remembered that when I was pregnant with Levi I dreamed of the number 21----its extra odd to me because I had never dreamed of numbers before then...I don't know, it could be coincidence, but part of me thinks its that it is my mommy instincts.

Either way, I just need some answers-what kind of answers I really don't care...just something....

I am hoping time will start to mend the wounds, though I know I will never be the same again...maybe one day it wont be quite so painful.....

My heart bleeds....

A dear friend of mine is suffering the loss of her unborn child, all be it a early loss, it is a loss none the less. I never wish this pain on anyone!  The loss a mother feels is intense....from the minute we know that there is a life in our womb we begin to bond, to fall in love, to care and nurture that child.  The felling of having it all ripped away is torture, pure torture.  My heart aches everyday for the 2 children I myself have had to say goodbye to....And my heart aches for all of my dear friends who know this pain all too well...I wish there was a way to keep anyone from feeling the way I do.

No parent should ever have to say goodbye to there child, born or unborn...thats just not how it works...it is incredibly painful when you must....

I <3 you my dear friend!  {{HUGS}}

Dreams Crushed A Second Time....

We went in Tuesday afternoon (November 23rd 2010) to have the amnio done.  Prior to the amnio being completed, they do a preliminary ultrasound to check the baby's measurements and vitals...  During our ultrasound as the technician measured the baby I noticed that although we were 15 weeks 6 days gestation, the baby was measuring anywhere from 13.5 weeks to 14.5 weeks...I instantly thought 'thats odd, the boys were only a few days off in either direction'   Then she pulled up the heart-rate strip, at least I was pretty sure what she had pulled up, and I watched as it panned the screen 4 times (about 4 seconds in length each time)   I watched as it sat absolutely still, no flutters, no movement on the readout at all!  The baby was not moving either....I had an instant feeling of sickness come over me...I knew something had to be wrong especially when the tech got really quiet and finished really quickly.  She told us that she thought she had all the information that they needed for now and that she was going to share them with the doctor and that he would be right in.

So we sat and waited, I sat and thought about the last time I had notably felt the baby move.  It had been the Saturday before, as I stood in the kitchen with my hands in my coat pockets getting ready to walk out the door, I was talking to Darrel and got a pretty hard kick to my left hand.  I remember saying something to the effect of  'well hello, look who is awake in there'.  That was the last time I know for sure I felt the baby move...the baby had been pretty quiet since then...and I remember trying a few times to prompt some movement but received nothing...I kind of suspected something, and my nightmares of saying goodbye intensified, making sleep even more illusive.  I know that on some instinctive level I knew our bean had left us, but I know that emotionally I kept telling myself that I was crazy, just too busy and that I had been missing the little kicks because I hadnt been paying attention.

Well either way our bean is gone....When he gave us the news, I instantly started sobbing.  This pregnancy has been very emotional for me from the very beginning, waiting to hear that heartbeat for the first time even.  I never cried when I heard either of the boys, but when we heard it this time, after such a recent loss in May I couldnt help but cry great big tears of joy.  And then it was all taken away, yanked from my grasp...all the happiness, the longing the hope of having our child come home to his or her brothers....to be a family of 5, we have longed for this!  And for a second time it has all been taken from us....

 Dr Roth discussed our options with us, and told us we could take some time to make our decision.  So we went home and made the decision that we would start the induction the following night.  But as it always seems to go, life other plans for us.  I started to have some bleeding that night around 10:30 or so but no contractions.  We decided that we would have my dad come up and stay with the boys so we could go to the hospital....I did not want to wait it out for too long at home since with an early loss I was at increased risk for a major bleed.  I wanted to make sure that I would be ok and able to come home and take care of our wonderful little boys that had blessed our lives.

After arriving at the ER they started the induction.  We had discussed the risks of trying to labor for too long with the physicians, and decided to set a window of 8 hours for my body to get the show on the road.  After 8 hours, nothing had really happened, so we ended up with a D&C (Wednesday November 24th 2010 at approximately 10:15am our silent child was brought into this world).  I want so desperately for things to have gone differently, so that we could have had a chance to say goodbye, a chance to hold our child, kiss his/her little hands and feet....see his or her little face, to really say goodbye!  But things just didn't work that way, I made it very clear that I wanted them to do things as gently as they could with the baby.  That baby didn't need any more trauma.

I laid in recovery all alone for about 2-2.5 hours...it took over an hour for me to come out of the anesthesia.  The nurse said they had a hard time keeping my blood pressure up.  I remember coming in and out for a bit, there were a few nurses that were scrambling around me...I remember thinking I was just steps away from deaths door....When I came through enough to speak I asked the nurse how long I had been in recovery, and she said that it had been over an hour.  I faded back out again, and then then next time I came through I asked "thats a long time isn't it?" and she told me that they were having trouble with my blood pressure...I again faded back out, the next time that I came through, I had more of my mind about me..I instantly started sobbing I had such an empty feeling, my baby bump was gone, and I felt exactly that...empty...I instantly started crying and remember telling the nurse that I was sorry for crying, she told me that I didn't need to be sorry, and that she was sorry for our loss.  A short time later, another women was wheeled in out of the OR.  I overheard the surgeon tell the nurses, ''early fetal demise, D&C"  Within a few minutes of being brought in, she woke up, turned to me (the curtains were open) and said "My Baby!" and started sobbing.  I knew exactly what she was feeling....NO ONE should ever have to feel like this!  It is so unfair!  No parent should ever have to say goodbye to their child.  It just shouldn't work that way!  I wanted so desperately to hug her and tell her I knew just what she was feeling.

 Before the operation was performed, I asked that they try to get a hand print, a footprint, something, anything for us to take home.  They were able to get prints of both feet, and the left hand.  They had a hard time getting the hand to print well, and we can see that they put in a lot of effort to get us the best prints that they could.  I am so grateful to have even that to look at....it breaks my heart to look at them, but I am so happy to have them.  The baby's hands and feet were slightly smaller than a dime.

                                                                  

It is really hitting me now, that this was it, it was the last shot... .We made the decision that we were not going to try to have any more of our own when we learned that there were health concerns for  this baby.  It is not a decision that comes easy, but it is not fair to keep dragging ourselves through this emotional roller coaster-not fair to us, the boys or our families.....  But it just really hurts to think that we are never going to have any more children of our own to hold, nurture and love.  I will never again feel the flutters of love in my womb or listen to a sweet baby scream as graces our lives....I am having a really hard time with this decision...and I am reluctant to finalize that  decision quite yet.

My heart is broken!  I feel lost, empty and oddly alone.  It is NOT fair that we have to go through this...I don't really even have the words to express the pain....I don't wish this feeling on anyone!




Page For Family And Friends

All I can do is miss you....

I can't hold you

or kiss you

or see your first smile,

all I can do is miss you

I don't want to sleep
I don't want to eat
I can't think straight
all I can do is miss you

I don't like that I have to miss you
I wish you were still here
I wish I still felt your loving kicks
The morning sickness I still dream of
I miss you!

I feel empty
lost.... alone....

I am crushed, heartbroken
I will never be the same.
I will always dream of your face
I LOVE YOU
I miss you.......