Sleepless nights.

Last night was yet another hard night....sleep eluded me until about 3am...when I finally took some melatonin...

My emotions are still VERY raw....My heart aches, for that matter my whole body aches...

I still have this longing to hold our child, I still feel lost, alone, angry, confused....You name an emotion-I am feeling it.  We are still waiting for the genetic testing to come back-we were told 2 weeks, it will be 5 tomorrow...talk about frustrating!  I am having a really hard time even wrapping my head around the whole thing...I feel like I cant even start to move on, or find any closure until I have some answers...first and foremost I NEED to know if the baby was a boy or girl so we can stop saying ''the baby'' and start using his/her name...to be totally honest if that is all the gave me I would be ok with that...sure it would be nice to have the confirmation on it being a chromosome issue or not, but I really think I would be ok if they didn't tell me one way or the other...

In my heart I really believe the issue was a Trisomy 13...For some reason that is the number that has stood out even while I was pregnant...I even dreamed of the number....I have never been one to believe that dreams could tell me anything, but after this last pregnancy and the dreams of 13, I remembered that when I was pregnant with Levi I dreamed of the number 21----its extra odd to me because I had never dreamed of numbers before then...I don't know, it could be coincidence, but part of me thinks its that it is my mommy instincts.

Either way, I just need some answers-what kind of answers I really don't care...just something....

I am hoping time will start to mend the wounds, though I know I will never be the same again...maybe one day it wont be quite so painful.....