Thanks to a wonderful therapist that I have been seeing every 2 weeks for the past 1 1/2 months, I feel like I am connecting to myself a little more.
I have discovered why it is that I can never seem to really grieve anything without just pushing it away. To my surprise it goes way back further than what I thought...back to when I was about 10 years old...I have learned that I need to go back and grieve all of the losses and disappointments that I have had in my life in order to deal with Rowan and Alivia.
It is a LOT of work. It is painful and exhausting, but I HAVE to do it! I have to do it for ME. If I do it for no one else, I have to do it for ME! I NEVER want to forget our precious children, I only wish for the pain to lessen. I know that if I dont go back and find peace with everything in my past that I can never achieve that...I wont be able to achieve memory without pain until I deal with the past...
Not a day passes that I dont think of our 2 beautiful babies that have passed...I miss them more than words can ever describe.
What comes to mind is the visualization of someone literally shredding my heart. It is a tearing, thrashing feeling. I still have a huge amount of guilt and feelings of being a failure. I know I couldnt have changed things, no matter how hard I tried, but the feeling that I let both of them down haunts me. I am their mother. I was supposed to protect them, and I failed. I am sure this makes no sense really, but its how I feel.
I think of Alivia kicking and moving in my womb daily. I miss it.
I took out her blanket a few days ago and tried to work on it so that it would be finished. I could barely see through my tears. I think I finished 5 stitches before I put my needle down and just held on to it and felt the textures, the softness, the emptiness. I think that finishing that blanket means letting her go, as weird as that sounds. I just dont think I am near ready...I want to hold on to every thing that keeps her here...every tangible item i can touch. The duplicate that I made of the blanket she was cremated with is a huge one for me. I find myself rubbing the fibers between my fingers thinking, that at least she knew we loved her. I would do anything to have her back.
When she left, she took a piece of me with her.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Still trying to 'get it'
Posted by Rachel Clute at 10:33 AM
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2 comments:
Every thing you say and feel makes sense. Never think any thing else. I used to feel as if I wanted to rip my belly out...to people who haven't gone through a loss, they probably would think I was a little loopy, but every one who has been there....totally understands.
I'm glad you're seeing someone. It's cool that you can heal from your losses plus past stuff. As hard as it is to face our pain, in the long run I know it's always best.
When we lost Jorai, we couldn't take the condolence cards down for months. They were up 6+ months. It was the final thing that we took down. It was hard. In fact it wasn't until a few months ago I took down her birth announcement from Asher's room!
Give yourself as much time as you need. and breathe. just breathe.
Have you ever heard the song Glory Baby from the group Selah? Although it always brought me to tears...or really to bawling...it also helped me to hear the lyrics. I don't know...here it is if you want to listen.
http://www.rhapsody.com/player?type=track&id=Tra.1327946&remote=false&page=&pageregion=&guid=&from=&__pcode=
Thank you for sharing! that is beautiful!
I totally understand the feeling of wanting to rip your belly out, I still feel that way months later....In a way I feel like my body is a failure....its a tough road :(
Alivia's cards came down when we moved, but they went in their own box and I have thought about putting them back up even.
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