I have been really depressed, it doesnt help that almost everyone I love and care about are thousands of miles away....I miss being able to touch them!
I seriously feel like I may have a nervous breakdown, I just dont know what to do with myself. I am not sleeping well, and I am drowning in emotions....I miss my babies, and I keep thinking about how old Alivia would be...she would be 7-8 weeks old now, and she would have started smiling by now....how I wish I could see that pretty face, see that beautiful smile I know she would have had.
I just keep waiting for something to go wrong with this pregnancy...I am still so angry with my body! I still have this desire to just rip my belly out..I am so ANGRY at it! I just dont want it near me....idk its a hard feeling to describe that I dont suspect anyone to understand.
There is a part of me that feels like it is WAY too soon to be pregnant...and that hurts...it hurts because I want this little one to hang on as long as he/she can, but I feel like I am saying I dont want him/her when I really do...I am so lost, so confused...so angry, so hurt, so broken, torn, tattered....bleeding.....
I wish I could express myself better, but I have trouble even finding the words to explain it to anyone.....
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Lost In My Feelings
Posted by Rachel Clute at 5:42 PM
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3 comments:
Rachel u have explain ur self well, but u have to keep ur head up and realize everything happens for a reason, NO we will never know Y them reasons r, U r a wonderful Mom, u have 2 lil Boys that need their Momma to be strong for them.. That Lil Girl is looking down at u and she knows that ur her momma. U cant blame ur self for not being able to carry her. God gave U 2 beautiful boys, that rely on u.. I'm here for u if u need to talk, or have some one listen to u. A shoulder to cry on.. I know its hard to not have ur family close by but ur momma is always there for u.. She misses u too just keep strong and that head held high... Love U Girl
So sorry you feel this way... Maybe, if you're like me, you have a hard time accepting this pregnancy because you are afraid to get close to the baby and then feel the pain again if something went wrong. I don't think you are at any fault for that. Even women who haven't said goodbye to their unborn children worry themselves sick from fear, so it makes it that much harder for those of us who have, and I can imagine it's even harder if it has happened twice. It's cliche, but hang in there and stay strong. Try to pamper yourself with the excuse that the better you feel, the better that baby feels! Hugs, Jenn
All I can say is embrace all of these feelings and try not to analyze them. You feel the way you feel because you do. You've gone through some losses that suck big time and your heart and soul hurts. period. your pain a real and overwhelming at times and pregnancy hormones don't help. I know I distance myself when I was pregnant with Greyson because of the hurt I felt and the pain I didn't want to feel if I were to lose him. It brought guilt with the distance. But that's how I felt. After losing a child, you just have to go with your feelings. You can't make yourself feel anything but what you feel. And that's OK. You are normal and loved. Don't feel bad about your feelings. You love this child. You're excited about this child. You dream about this child...but you're scared...and that's OK.
I love you. You are supported and loved. Feel that support and lean on those who can listen and understand and know that you're OK.
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