And The Results Are In...

After 5 weeks of waiting, 3 of those weeks were spent on the phone every couple days trying to find out who was going to be sent our results when they were done, I finally tracked them down...only to be told that they could not give them to me, even if I were to come in person to get them.  (I was also told "yes, we have them, they have been here for awhile"....SERIOUSLY??? you have had them just sitting there while I have been out here waiting every day for a phone call??)  Then, I was told that 'they can only be released to the physician who ordered them.'  I explained to the lady that I had no idea who had ordered them because we were admitted through the ER and I did not see my physician while we were there.  I told her I only knew the name of the surgeon but didn't even know if he was the one who ordered them or not....I told her that my maternity care was provided by The Greenhouse Birth Center and I asked if they would release the results to them...she really didn't want to do that either.  I then asked her point blank if she wanted to make an already hard experience even harder for me by not letting me have closure...and that I really didn't see why they could not be released to the ones who were providing my maternity care....After a bit she decided that it would be fine, and that she would release them....UGH-Talk about frustrating!

So I got a call yesterday morning from the Greenhouse, Mitzi had results in hand..........

Baby was a, GIRL..... :( ...But there were no detected chromosome issues....Which leads me to believe that our little girl probably had the major heart problems that they feared....

We have named our little princess Alivia Marie (Marie after my mother)  We love her dearly.  Although knowing has made it harder in some respects, I know that I now have the information that I needed to be able to really start grieving....I know it is still going to be a long road, and I am ok with that...I never want to forget...I just would like to be more at peace with it...

I think of Rowan and Alivia every day-I don't know if that will ever change, I hope it doesn't....I hope that I have thoughts of them everyday for as long as I live....They will always remain in my heart....

Sleepless nights.

Last night was yet another hard night....sleep eluded me until about 3am...when I finally took some melatonin...

My emotions are still VERY raw....My heart aches, for that matter my whole body aches...

I still have this longing to hold our child, I still feel lost, alone, angry, confused....You name an emotion-I am feeling it.  We are still waiting for the genetic testing to come back-we were told 2 weeks, it will be 5 tomorrow...talk about frustrating!  I am having a really hard time even wrapping my head around the whole thing...I feel like I cant even start to move on, or find any closure until I have some answers...first and foremost I NEED to know if the baby was a boy or girl so we can stop saying ''the baby'' and start using his/her name...to be totally honest if that is all the gave me I would be ok with that...sure it would be nice to have the confirmation on it being a chromosome issue or not, but I really think I would be ok if they didn't tell me one way or the other...

In my heart I really believe the issue was a Trisomy 13...For some reason that is the number that has stood out even while I was pregnant...I even dreamed of the number....I have never been one to believe that dreams could tell me anything, but after this last pregnancy and the dreams of 13, I remembered that when I was pregnant with Levi I dreamed of the number 21----its extra odd to me because I had never dreamed of numbers before then...I don't know, it could be coincidence, but part of me thinks its that it is my mommy instincts.

Either way, I just need some answers-what kind of answers I really don't care...just something....

I am hoping time will start to mend the wounds, though I know I will never be the same again...maybe one day it wont be quite so painful.....

My heart bleeds....

A dear friend of mine is suffering the loss of her unborn child, all be it a early loss, it is a loss none the less. I never wish this pain on anyone!  The loss a mother feels is intense....from the minute we know that there is a life in our womb we begin to bond, to fall in love, to care and nurture that child.  The felling of having it all ripped away is torture, pure torture.  My heart aches everyday for the 2 children I myself have had to say goodbye to....And my heart aches for all of my dear friends who know this pain all too well...I wish there was a way to keep anyone from feeling the way I do.

No parent should ever have to say goodbye to there child, born or unborn...thats just not how it works...it is incredibly painful when you must....

I <3 you my dear friend!  {{HUGS}}

Dreams Crushed A Second Time....

We went in Tuesday afternoon (November 23rd 2010) to have the amnio done.  Prior to the amnio being completed, they do a preliminary ultrasound to check the baby's measurements and vitals...  During our ultrasound as the technician measured the baby I noticed that although we were 15 weeks 6 days gestation, the baby was measuring anywhere from 13.5 weeks to 14.5 weeks...I instantly thought 'thats odd, the boys were only a few days off in either direction'   Then she pulled up the heart-rate strip, at least I was pretty sure what she had pulled up, and I watched as it panned the screen 4 times (about 4 seconds in length each time)   I watched as it sat absolutely still, no flutters, no movement on the readout at all!  The baby was not moving either....I had an instant feeling of sickness come over me...I knew something had to be wrong especially when the tech got really quiet and finished really quickly.  She told us that she thought she had all the information that they needed for now and that she was going to share them with the doctor and that he would be right in.

So we sat and waited, I sat and thought about the last time I had notably felt the baby move.  It had been the Saturday before, as I stood in the kitchen with my hands in my coat pockets getting ready to walk out the door, I was talking to Darrel and got a pretty hard kick to my left hand.  I remember saying something to the effect of  'well hello, look who is awake in there'.  That was the last time I know for sure I felt the baby move...the baby had been pretty quiet since then...and I remember trying a few times to prompt some movement but received nothing...I kind of suspected something, and my nightmares of saying goodbye intensified, making sleep even more illusive.  I know that on some instinctive level I knew our bean had left us, but I know that emotionally I kept telling myself that I was crazy, just too busy and that I had been missing the little kicks because I hadnt been paying attention.

Well either way our bean is gone....When he gave us the news, I instantly started sobbing.  This pregnancy has been very emotional for me from the very beginning, waiting to hear that heartbeat for the first time even.  I never cried when I heard either of the boys, but when we heard it this time, after such a recent loss in May I couldnt help but cry great big tears of joy.  And then it was all taken away, yanked from my grasp...all the happiness, the longing the hope of having our child come home to his or her brothers....to be a family of 5, we have longed for this!  And for a second time it has all been taken from us....

 Dr Roth discussed our options with us, and told us we could take some time to make our decision.  So we went home and made the decision that we would start the induction the following night.  But as it always seems to go, life other plans for us.  I started to have some bleeding that night around 10:30 or so but no contractions.  We decided that we would have my dad come up and stay with the boys so we could go to the hospital....I did not want to wait it out for too long at home since with an early loss I was at increased risk for a major bleed.  I wanted to make sure that I would be ok and able to come home and take care of our wonderful little boys that had blessed our lives.

After arriving at the ER they started the induction.  We had discussed the risks of trying to labor for too long with the physicians, and decided to set a window of 8 hours for my body to get the show on the road.  After 8 hours, nothing had really happened, so we ended up with a D&C (Wednesday November 24th 2010 at approximately 10:15am our silent child was brought into this world).  I want so desperately for things to have gone differently, so that we could have had a chance to say goodbye, a chance to hold our child, kiss his/her little hands and feet....see his or her little face, to really say goodbye!  But things just didn't work that way, I made it very clear that I wanted them to do things as gently as they could with the baby.  That baby didn't need any more trauma.

I laid in recovery all alone for about 2-2.5 hours...it took over an hour for me to come out of the anesthesia.  The nurse said they had a hard time keeping my blood pressure up.  I remember coming in and out for a bit, there were a few nurses that were scrambling around me...I remember thinking I was just steps away from deaths door....When I came through enough to speak I asked the nurse how long I had been in recovery, and she said that it had been over an hour.  I faded back out again, and then then next time I came through I asked "thats a long time isn't it?" and she told me that they were having trouble with my blood pressure...I again faded back out, the next time that I came through, I had more of my mind about me..I instantly started sobbing I had such an empty feeling, my baby bump was gone, and I felt exactly that...empty...I instantly started crying and remember telling the nurse that I was sorry for crying, she told me that I didn't need to be sorry, and that she was sorry for our loss.  A short time later, another women was wheeled in out of the OR.  I overheard the surgeon tell the nurses, ''early fetal demise, D&C"  Within a few minutes of being brought in, she woke up, turned to me (the curtains were open) and said "My Baby!" and started sobbing.  I knew exactly what she was feeling....NO ONE should ever have to feel like this!  It is so unfair!  No parent should ever have to say goodbye to their child.  It just shouldn't work that way!  I wanted so desperately to hug her and tell her I knew just what she was feeling.

 Before the operation was performed, I asked that they try to get a hand print, a footprint, something, anything for us to take home.  They were able to get prints of both feet, and the left hand.  They had a hard time getting the hand to print well, and we can see that they put in a lot of effort to get us the best prints that they could.  I am so grateful to have even that to look at....it breaks my heart to look at them, but I am so happy to have them.  The baby's hands and feet were slightly smaller than a dime.

                                                                  

It is really hitting me now, that this was it, it was the last shot... .We made the decision that we were not going to try to have any more of our own when we learned that there were health concerns for  this baby.  It is not a decision that comes easy, but it is not fair to keep dragging ourselves through this emotional roller coaster-not fair to us, the boys or our families.....  But it just really hurts to think that we are never going to have any more children of our own to hold, nurture and love.  I will never again feel the flutters of love in my womb or listen to a sweet baby scream as graces our lives....I am having a really hard time with this decision...and I am reluctant to finalize that  decision quite yet.

My heart is broken!  I feel lost, empty and oddly alone.  It is NOT fair that we have to go through this...I don't really even have the words to express the pain....I don't wish this feeling on anyone!




Page For Family And Friends

All I can do is miss you....

I can't hold you

or kiss you

or see your first smile,

all I can do is miss you

I don't want to sleep
I don't want to eat
I can't think straight
all I can do is miss you

I don't like that I have to miss you
I wish you were still here
I wish I still felt your loving kicks
The morning sickness I still dream of
I miss you!

I feel empty
lost.... alone....

I am crushed, heartbroken
I will never be the same.
I will always dream of your face
I LOVE YOU
I miss you.......

Update...

To keep from leaving everyone in the dark for too long and worrying, I am sharing this.

We have said our goodbyes to the child we were expecting.  After 16 weeks filled with pure joy and ecstasy, our time together is over.

I am not ready to share more than this, I am working on a post with details...but I am sure that will be a while coming-It is just too painful right now...

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us, sending me messages or giving me hugs-they have meant so much more than you were aware of!

Nuchal Fold Ultrasound

I know a lot of people have been wondering what is going on with me lately...so here is what has been happening.

Life sure does like to throw our family some big curve balls.

We are expecting another little bean, and with Levi's DS, we decided to go ahead and have the Nuchal Fold Testing done.  Basically it is an ultrasound that measures the thickness of the skin on the back of the baby's neck and the amount of fluid there as well.  We decided to do the testing because we wanted to be prepared for another DS child if that is what we were going to have, verses being totally in the dark like we were with Levi.  The test has to be done at 12 weeks gestation.  So we had our appointment on November 1st 2010.  

The news was not good.  I was not aware that they would be able to tell many things from looking at the neck, but I guess they can.  A normal measurement is 1-1.5 and our little bean measured a 5.8-5.9 (you can see the fluid on in the ultrasound pictures even).  We had a consultation with the perinatologist immediately following the ultrasound.  He told us that he had some major concerns as the measurement is really abnormal.  In a nutshell, what he told us is that there is a 50% chance it is a chromosomal issue.  If it is a chromosome problem it could be another DS (Trisomy 21) or he seemed pretty concerned about it being a Trisomy 13 or 18 which very sadly are both fatal.  If is not a chromosome problem he said the baby will have a major heart defect or an issue with the lymph system.  

We have an amnio scheduled for tomorrow (November 23rd 2010) at 1:30pm.  I am EXTREMELY nervous to have it done, as it does not come without risk.  There is a 1 in 1000 chance of having a miscarriage after the procedure.  We are almost 16 weeks along.  I don't want to say goodbye to this child simply because I chose to have testing done.  I am praying that everything goes well and we can get the answers we so desperately need.  The amnio will tell us if it is a chromosomal issue, and which one it is....If the test comes back normal then they will look for the other things.  We have decided that the best possible thing they could tell us is that we are expecting a little one with Trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome).  It takes 10 days to get the results so the next week or so is going to be stressful waiting.

I have been having a really tough time since our ultrasound on the 1st.  I keep having the same nightmare over and over of saying goodbye and burying our baby.  I haven't been sleeping well because I dont want to dream so I just dont really sleep....

I am trying my hardest to really bond now, even though we will have some answers soon, I dont want to take one day that I have with this bean for granted!  I treasure every little kick or flutter!

Baby Clute 4.0

  

Well we have news...as I am sure you figured out from the blog title we are expecting another bundle of joy.

We are due May 11th 2011.  We are excited to welcome another little face into our family.  We had an early ultrasound on November 1st.  It was great to get an early peek in there....we heard the heartbeat for the first time through the ultrasound, and it made me cry...it was like music to my ears!  The heart-rate was in the 150's which is higher than either of the boys, the boys were always 130's-140's.  I will update more about the early testing at a later time, for now we are taking things one day at a time and making sure to enjoy every bit of the pregnancy that we can.

      

Sad to say goodbye...

So Darrel and I had a surprise pregnancy this year...however...May 2nd 2010 we lost a child (we were about 8-10 weeks along.)  We named him/her Rowan.

A parent should never have to say goodbye to a child-whether born or unborn....That was a sad day for us....My emotions are still shaky but I am starting to heal...not a day passes that I don't think of the child we have lost....

We had an online memorial done.  You can see Rowan's Memorial if you like.   It is beautiful!

You will be forever missed Rowan!  We love you!

Finally A Personal Blog

Well, this blog has been a long time coming....I need a creative outlet, and I am sure this will help fill that for me...

Life has been tough for me in the past several years...a lot has happened and a lot has changed.

I think the toughest, all be it most rewarding of all the trials our young family has faced has been the birth of our youngest son.  Levi is now 13 months old, and such a light in our lives-he makes me laugh everyday!  But when he was a week old we got his diagnosis of Down Syndrome.  At the time it was a huge shock-I was totally taken back and in many ways felt bitter and angry, not with Levi, but with god and myself...I felt as if he had let me down...or as if he was punishing me for something I was unaware of doing...I hate to say it, but the events totally shook my faith!  I was mad at myself thinking maybe I had done something wrong to cause him to be that way...however after much research and genetic counseling, we know that we couldn't have prevented it... but as a young mom I felt extremely guilty.  The guilt has subsided now...and my faith is again strengthening...it has been a hard road for me.  Never in a million years did I think I would raise a child with special needs.  I wouldn't have it any other way now, but I just never saw it happening to me...it was always something that 'happens to someone else.'  

When we got the test results, I feel bad for the way I thought now, but my very first knee jerk statement was ''what about Ayden...I don't want him to grow up getting teased because he has a brother who is different"  So far it hasn't had much bearing on Ayden and his life, other than the normal sharing of mom and dad with a sibling and some extra doctors visits...Ayden is totally in love with his brother and he tells him often, and I hope and pray that they will have an incredible relationship!  I hope they grow to be best friends!

I cant wait to see what life throws us next.  I know that Darrel and I have been through so much that it seems to just keep bringing us closer together...the more we fight to keep things together the closer we get...I cant imagine walking through life with a stronger partner or a greater friend...We have been together 4 years, but it seems like yesterday.  We have grown so much together in just 4 years....Life keeps us on our toes...but I wouldn't change it for the world!  I love you babe!