This month is proving to be tough. May 2nd was the 1 year anniversary of our loss of Rowan. That was tough, but Rowan's loss has never burned the same way that Alivia's has.
The 11th is Alivia's due date...although with our birth history she would have probably already been here. Either way I miss her. I miss her SO much! I still have a burning desire to just rip out my belly....I feel like my body let me down. I hate that!!! I am having a hard time even putting my feelings into words anymore...I feel overwhelmed by so many emotions that it is exhausting...I still long to touch her, rock her, kiss her....I still find myself touching her ashes often....That is the closest I can get........I miss her! It feels really unfair.
My heart still hurts.
When does the healing start? Does it EVER start? Will my heart always burn like this? I wish I didnt have to walk this path.....
I put Alivia and Rowan's sunsets up above the fireplace last week....
Rowan's Sunset: http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2010/06/rowan-clute.html
Alivia's Sunset: http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2011/01/alivia-marie-clute.html
I enjoy looking at them, they are beautiful and remind me daily of how blessed we were to have them here even if it was a short time. I am hoping having them up will help me take another baby step in healing.....
Monday, May 9, 2011
May 2011
Posted by Rachel Clute at 12:57 PM
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1 comments:
Rachel, although I have shared the experience of losing a child, there are no magic words I can offer to dull the pain or hurry the healing along. It's so different with everyone. I can tell you that I still think of my little boy ... not daily after 43 years....but he's tucked away in my heart right by his two brothers and one sister. I see him in their faces and hear him in their voices. I hope your husband is giving you the loving support you need. The two of you shared the loss....but Jon tells me it's different for the dads who don't carry or feel the baby...oftentimes the loss comes before the tummy bulges so there is no physical connection for them like there is for us. I knew my baby was gone before losing him...that was terrible, walking around knowing. And I actually went through labor....vivid memories after all this time. If it would help you to share your stories, I would love to hear them. Know that you are in my thoughts. xxoo
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